Dead Hamster, Happy Pig, Mofo

Our hamster, Cricket, died this week. I think she was probably dead a day or two before we realized it since she always hid. But when she didn't come out to eat when I fed her, I knew she was gone. That sucked. And stank.

Tater the pig is much better behaved now that he's been neutered. He's actually sorta sweet. For a while there I was thinking I wanted to find a farmer to take him off our hands or something. But I think we'll keep him now hehe.

And I'm still obsessed with Mafia Mofo. Like unhealthily so.

Games

I forget about my blog a lot. Whoops. I'm obsessed with Mafia Mofo though. You know you're curious. Click it. Sign up. DOOOOO ITTTTT

Pig Penis

Ok, so I know I haven't posted anything in quite possibly forever. I bought a house last summer so I've been doing stuff with that. Painting, unpacking, decorating, yard stuff... And being lazy whenever possible.

First, here's a game I've become addicted to. Ok, addicted is strong, but it is fun.




Now the real winner is the video I got this afternoon. See, Corey and I got a pet pig in January. I was going to get some stuff to edit together a sample of his cuteness. Instead I got his corkscrew...

Pig Penis - Watch more free videos

Sarah Palin for VP - What Gives?

The more I think about this choice, the more I understand the political move. To say it is about the woman vote is making it far too easy a motivation, McCain is a smarter man than that. Heck, eight years ago had he beat Bush out for the GOP nod, I would have cast my first vote in any election for him. But I digress...

Yes, she's a female and can get that attention. Yes, Alaska is a big state, but I don't think it has ever been considered a swing state to bring that point into play. Yes, she is the youngest person at play and therefore it isn't just the old white-haired guy any more. Yes, she's a conservative and can reign in some of the conservative base of the GOP that may not be 100% into McCain. And yes, she is an evangelical Christian to appeal to that base that McCain has traditionally mistrusted.

By selecting a VP with virtually no experience, McCain is actually able to win the experience debate. While technically we vote for the packaged deal, we're casting our vote based on that top dog, McCain or Obama. So if people point at him and say his choice has no experience, he'll be able to make that claim that we vote for the president and he has experience. And rightly he should as he's nearly a quarter century older than Obama.

But at the same time, I think his experience is what will lose the experience debate, at least in my book. Who he was eight years ago while trying for the GOP bid is a different politician than the man with the GOP nomination now. Instead of the "straight talk" that comes from his heart on any matter - irregardless of how popular it may or may not make him - he's going with that which will propel him further. I mean look how he and Kerry had been considering being running mates and then the quick switcheroo to fully backing Bush in the very same election (2004)! Though I will give him that he is still one of the more bi-partisan Republicans in the Senate, so that shows the potential for the same man to still be in there somewhere.

Don't get me wrong, I respect John McCain and even admire a lot of what he has accomplished in his 72 years. But he's also old, and I surely cannot be the only one to notice how much the presidency ages someone. Just look at Bush from 00-04 or even for the full 8 years.

Similarly, Obama's experience may seem to shoot him in the foot, but I think it can actually help him. There's been criticism that he's had a lot of "present" votes over his political career (more in the Illinois State Senate, if I recall correctly). Some would say it shows a lack of ability to make tough decisions on controversial issues. And sure, that may be the case. But at the same time, it shows he isn't just a one trick pony or simply there to tow the party line. Truth of the matter is that as president, he wouldn't have to make those decisions anyway. Sure, we all talk about how things like abortion or gay rights may help some pick a candidate. But there really is no way they can enforce their personal beliefs on the subject onto the country at large - even with Supreme Court nominations.

So while it may help him win the experience debate on the experience issue, John McCain's VP selection also serves to make the next two months about the issues. So I appreciate that.

There are really only two concerns I have with this choice. Two months ago while on the Glenn Beck show, Palin said she had no interest at all in the position should it be offered her. To change her mind that extensively and quickly is a bit troubling. In another interview on CNBC a month ago, she said the job of VP doesn't seem productive and admitted to not even knowing what the job entailed. Um Houston Washington, we may have a problem here.

Moms Are Magical Beings

Apparently detox lasts a while. Not just a few days, but a week or so. Longer if you've been drinking significant quantities for a long time.

Boyfriend and I survived that night. He spent most of it in the bathroom throwing up. And I spent most of it pretending I was asleep in my room to hide from reality. It sucks when what you want and what you need aren't the same. I wanted to crawl into the guest bed and snuggle. I needed to be alone with a wall up around me.

Anyway, I made an appointment for us to see my therapist at noon the day after I went to his apartment. In fact, it was only 17 hours after I got him. That was my finish line. I was in a long dark tunnel and all I could see was my therapist's office. After that, then I'd allow myself to really think and feel and process what was going on. Until then, I honestly just needed to survive in one piece.

Two hours before the appointment, boyfriend told me he just couldn't go. He didn't feel well enough, could I please just take him back home. My heart fell out of my chest, down through my body, and shot out of my toes and evaporated. He was making the choice I wasn't going to be able to live with. Well, I mean, I'd live and I'd be just fine - eventually. But it meant living without him in my life. I admit, I did a bit of begging and crying.

But I snapped out of it. If this was his choice, that's fine. I needed to plan my next move then to protect myself. I had to put myself first. I had already done all that I could, more than I probably should have, but up to this point it had really been for myself so why stop acting for me? I said, that was fine but I would go to my therapist's appointment alone and then catch the next plane to Florida to stay with my mother. He asked me how long and I told him I didn't know, but I had to get away so I could think and breathe and that I was doing it for me.

So we got in the car and headed to his apartment - which was much much easier to do with him telling me how to get there by the way. That's when his mom called to check up on me and see how he was doing. I answered and told her he decided he didn't want to see my therapist. She told me to force him to go, but I told her I couldn't do that, that it would be a waste of everyone's time to make him go talk to someone if he wasn't ready. She asked to speak with him.

Moms are magical beings.

She talked to him and I don't know what all she said, but he agreed to go see the therapist at the scheduled time. My heart reappeared, jumped back into my toes, up my body and connected itself back into its rightful spot. At least there was hope he was going to make the choice I'd want him to make - though it would be for me too, I wanted him to make that choice for himself.

We went to his apartment to kill the remaining hour and cleaned. It was disgusting. I took a picture it was so gross. And this is just the kitchen...



Finally, we left to wait for the appointment. Boyfriend was getting worse - shaking, sweating, it was bad. He was pacing back and forth in the waiting room. He probably could have run a marathon and still been restless. At long last, time for the appointment came and he asked me to sit in it with him and hold his hand. Which I did. I was so nervous, scared and uncomfortable I remember shivering and being cold, but it wasn't really cold at all.

My therapist does a lot of addiction work and works with one of the somewhat local long-term treatment centers, so she had experience dealing with what Boyfriend was going through and needed. She explained what was going on, some of his options, and honestly I don't really remember too much. I do remember her telling us that detox from alcohol is actually one of the more brutal detoxes and that I needed to watch him because seizures were quite common. She said that he really should do it under doctor supervision, but if I kept an eye on him I could do it too. And I wanted to be there for him, so I was glad to help him through it. But if he had signs of a seizure, to check him into an ER and tell them he was detoxing.

She had to have had some sort of odd faith in me that I could handle that, because thinking about it now Boyfriend and I both think we were crazy to not have had him under doctor supervision for it, but I guess it's under the bridge now anyway.

Walking out of the office, I knew things would be fine - together or not. Our relationship would depend on the choice he'd ultimately make, but either way we would be ok. Well, either way I would be ok. I felt a HUGE weight just jump off my shoulders. I did what I needed to do and it worked. It made me feel better. It made me feel sane. And it made me know I wouldn't regret anything I did.

Detox - A Living Nightmare

I brought him back to my apartment and had never been more glad that I've always been pigheaded enough to want a guest room. I researched online what I needed to get in his stomach to help him come down. I knew he needed to eat something.

If you ever need to know - hydration is key and Gatorade/Powerade are your friends. Alcohol is sugar so when you're detoxing, your body is really out of balance with the amount of sugars it is used to. But cookies and sugars like that aren't good. Natural sugars. But really if you're at that point, you won't be able to eat anything so drinking tons of Gatorade is about all you can do.

I tried to sleep. I think it was so I could be in a protective bubble. It was the only way I could hide for a bit. I've never had such intense conflicting emotions. I wanted so much to be as far from Boyfriend as possible, yet I also wanted nothing more than to go lay down next to him and hold him.

Hiding was the only way I could stop the tears, so that won out in the end.

Meanwhile, Boyfriend was detoxing. Have you ever seen someone going through that? It isn't pretty.

He was throwing up constantly and if he wasn't drinking water to keep up, he was dry heaving. He was sweating so much he would have been drier in the ocean. He was shivering to such an extent every muscle in his body was shaking uncontrollably. Think extreme Parkinsons and add some shakes on that.

He was burning up. He was freezing. At the same time. He was exhausted but restless and couldn't stay still. Pacing seemed simultaneously to comfort and to welcome more insanity.

I am not using the term insanity lightly. You see, I could probably go on and on as to the physical symptoms of detox I could see. He was hallucinating. Terrifying images followed him and as much as his body was shaking, he couldn't shake them from his mind. Their sight and sound were plaguing him so much that the physical suffering I could watch was the easy part.

No, detoxing isn't pretty. Detox is a living nightmare.

A Million Scattered Pieces

So I park next to Boyfriend's car and assume his apartment is near where he parks - that makes sense right? I knew he lived on the third floor and I had a gut feeling as to which one it was. So I picked the building that felt right and started banging on the door.

And banging on the door. And it dawned on me, what the hell do I say when someone else answers? But I keep banging.

My fantasy of what he was up to looked like it was true when he answered the door. He was dripping wet and naked. He was also drunk enough he could barely stand up on his own.

So I walked in, with the bags of stuff I had for him. I was going to put the food in the fridge and leave but my emotions got the best of me.

Imagine being the most pissed off while your stomach is turning with the deepest of deep sorrows and throw in the strongest terror imaginable and you might get close to how I was feeling. I was bawling. I was kicking empty beer cases. I was doing everything I could to not slap Boyfriend. I've never genuinely wanted to hit someone before, but I knew that I had to throw beer cans around to make sure I didn't give in to that desire.

And I'm fairly certain I was screaming.

"Are you an alcoholic?" I remember telling him I wasted my first "I love you" on him, that I couldn't be with him because I've already dealt with an alcoholic. He wanted to hug me, he was crying, he was scared. I wanted anything but to touch him. Touching him would make it real and more intense and I couldn't handle that. Touching him might lead to hitting him and I didn't want to be that person - even though I also wanted nothing more than to be that person.

After a while I knew I had my chance. I had my chance to make up for all those missed opportunities with my mom that will forever exist as "what ifs" and I could do something for my own peace of mind that instant. If I didn't, it wouldn't matter if we continued dating or not, I'd wonder what would have happened if I did something differently that night. Heck, I was terrified he'd die in his apartment if I left him there that night.

I told him we were going to get out of his apartment, I was taking him back to mine and he was not drinking anymore. Somewhere in his beyond drunken oblivion, he agreed that was a good idea. Honestly, I think that was only because he didn't want to lose me.

I knew I had to get him to my apartment and I had an appointment with my therapist for the two of us. I just had to make it to that appointment and then I could walk away. I could walk away from the fear, the anger, the sorrow. I was planning on doing that.

But first I had to get him out of his apartment. And I had to trust myself. And I had to be strong because I was one more sob away from breaking into a million scattered pieces that I didn't think could ever be put back together.